Thinking Pharma: Doctoring Your Thoughtware.

Some people enjoy their illnesses.

I don’t. Do you?

If I never see a Physician again, that’s just fine.

It’s not that I actively dislike Physicians, some of them are probably very nice people.

But they seem to live in a different world than the one I’m used to.

At least none of the Physicians I’ve seen has yet asked me to sign a waiver.

Have you been asked?

So until my Physician presents me with one…here goes.

I reckon there are five basic Physician types, and each has its benefits.

Unfortunately each also has its side effects.

Physician Types 1 – The Bumbler

The most common Physician type is the bumbling elderly practitioner.

They are friendly, charming and almost completely out of touch with what’s happening in today’s medical world.

They chuckle a lot and say:

“You know, I’ve always found that the best remedy for your complaint is….”

They are usually remembering back decades to when sulphur drugs were popular and lots of patients died.

Physician Types 2 – The Young & The Restless

At the opposite end of the scale is the young upwardly-mobile Physician who clearly intends to build their practice on the foundation of your ill health.

They are always right up-to-date with all the latest fads and fashions, and are constantly on the lookout for emerging trends in treatment.

However, they often show unbridled enthusiasm for the possibility of an exotic complication when you’ve just popped in for a check-up.

“Wow, these spots could be REALLY interesting have you visited the tropics recently?”

Physician Types 3 – The Anal-yst

The next type is the clinical technician, the cold, humourless practitioner who lines up all the pencils on their desk and fixes you with a watery stare.

They are extremely thorough…

“I think I’ll run another series of tests on you before we adopt any radical treatment” …

But the focus of their attention is on their diagnosis rather than the patient.

Physician Types 4 – The Penny for Pills Merchant

Then there’s the Physician of commerce.

Gruff, straight to the point, no time wasted on small talk or bedside manner.

They are more interested in the business of medicine than the practice of health care. “

“You can pay at the desk on your way out, or I can take a pint of blood before you put your shirt back on.”

They are competent, efficient and about as engaging as a vending machine.

Physician Types 5 –The Thesaurus’s

And the last type I’d be happy not to see again is the big word specialist.

The sort that has their consulting room walls covered in certificates boasting competence in areas that you didn’t know existed.

And, confirms your suspicions by telling you that you have:

“Hypoporthrombinaemia” when you just feel bleeding horrible.

Then prescribes a course of psycoughagious mumbleblutterpills, which just leave you feeling dazed.

So what is this different world that Physicians live in?

It has been a world of specialized knowledge, available only to the chosen few who study medicine.

But that world appears to be changing.

The internet has vastly improved the availability of ‘specialised’ knowledge.

Medical textbooks are just as impenetrable as ever, but Social Network Groups are making great progress in generating usable, useful information available online.

Even though the code of language utilised is often beyond the scope of anyone except the ‘Expert Patient’.

Patient .co.uk lists 1800 self help medical groups in the UK

Selfhelpgroups.org lists 1,100 similar groups.

To survive in this emerging world, our five Physician types will have to adopt a new Thoughtware.

The Bumbler may get their patient’s help to rejoin today’s world.

“ So how did you get all those PHR printouts from Google Health ?”

The Young & the Restless, the Anal-yst, the Pill Merchant and the Thesaurus’s will all find themselves evaluated against other Physicians and have to demonstrate value to their Patients.

Just ask the Patients at Kansas City.